THERAPY SESSION S1E5 : GROWING TEEN.

 I remember scrolling on twitter one day and seeing a quote that said : " healing can be so hard when your inner child wants love, your teenage self wants revenge and your current self wants peace". This past week, this quote rang truer than I could of ever imagined. Life today is very different than a few months ago. I don't see grey anymore. The color is coming back and with that, comes a deep need to heal my inner child.

This week was particularly hard because I've been asking God for clarity on a connection I desperately wanted to keep. A connection I knew deep down was not good for me. I talked myself into keeping the connection out of fear of abandonment. My reasons for keeping them around sounded logical but they weren't. I convinced myself that the discomfort will eventually go away. "We'll be good again" I said. Boy was I wrong! it was the complete opposite. I was triggered often. I was angry and I was uncomfortable the more they stuck around.

Months leading up to this awful week, my spirit became unsettled. Each time I thought about the person, I felt sad and then anger will overtake me for hours. I wouldn't be able to shake it off sometimes for days. I was still too stubborn to face reality and distance myself from the connection I so desperately wanted to keep.

Last week, I prayed. I asked God to do it on my behalf. I felt like a little kid again. I asked Him to remove them without me having to verbally say it. I cared about them too much and I didn't want to hurt their feelings. Logical right ? lol WRONG!. You want God to answer a request fast? ask him to remove anything or anyone from your life that shouldn't be there and watch how fast that request gets approved.

I didn't want to advocate for myself and stop the connection but I had to. So I did. The conversation happened and it was calm. My chest was tight but guilt completely disappeared. I felt such peace. I thought of 16 year old me and how she struggled to have her voice heard. 16 year old me who always inconvenienced herself for the comfort of others.

Days after that, everything made sense. I realized that the anger I felt towards the person wasn't directed at them but at myself. The teenage me was angry that I never spoke up for myself. The people pleaser in me always won and I'd compromise when I shouldn't. That anger taught me something valuable: Always be considerate but not to the point of silencing the voice that God gave me to remove myself from situations that no longer serve me.

Dear God,

you are teaching me to blindly obey and this has been the hardest thing I've had to do but I am grateful for growth. 

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