YEAR OF EXECUTION : THROUGH CLEARER LENSES

 " you don't know how much you need your senses until you can't use them anymore" - Gloria M.

At the beginning of this year, my Optometrist referred me to an Ophthalmologist because they noticed that the nerves connected to my retina were damaged and had to be fixed with a laser. This needed to be urgently fixed or else these issues were going to lead to an early blindness. When I first went to the see the Ophthalmologist, he had examined my eyes to see exactly what needed to be done and they gave me another appointment for the procedure. 

Days leading up to the procedure, I was advised to have someone pick me up because I probably wouldn't be able to see after the surgery. Unfortunately, plans changed so I found myself going alone, going through the procedure alone and leaving alone. There's a lesson in all of this. Follow me... 

That day, I was so nervous and I was trying really hard to keep calm. The way they described the effects during the surgery sounded too serious! They said it wasn't going to be painful but at some point, I was going to completely lose sight. The darkness lasts for about thirty seconds to a minute. At first it will be pink-ish/purple and then it will be blurry and then it was going to be pitch black and while that's happening, I should not freak out. This was verbatim how they described it. So to not show weakness I smiled and nodded but I was freaking OUT! 

When I walked into the Dr's Office, I started asking the nurse questions to get my mind off it. I asked her if it hurt and she affirmed that it wasn't going to. There is a little pressure but it's nothing uncomfortable. She put some liquids in my eyes to numb my eyeballs and I never knew until that moment that there is such thing as ANESTESIA for your eyeballs. It was fascinating. In true kid-ish form, I tried blinking several times only to realize that I wasn't in fact feeling a danm thing! it was an uncomfortable feeling but nothing I couldn't handle. And then, the Dr. came in. As he did the procedure, exactly what he mentioned at the beginning and the side effects happened. At first, I felt the pressure, then I felt a little burning sensation due to the laser going directly into my eyeballs and then I started seeing pink-ish purple with floaters and then complete darkness. In that moment, I can't describe to you what I was seeing because it was PITCH BLACK. I almost panicked. I could feel my heart starting to beat in my ears and to calm down, I started singing a gospel song and repeating over and over again that this darkness was temporary. 

This made me think of the story in the bible of Saul of Tarsus who later became Paul in Acts 9:1–19. In no way shape or form am I comparing myself to him but I can empathize. For those who aren't familiar with his story, Saul went from being a persecutor of Christians to becoming one of the greatest Christian leaders, after a dramatic encounter with Jesus that left him blind and then restored his sight. I can only imagine that for the slight moment of blindless he went through, he was probably scared and anxious. 

The surgery went well and everything was bright but nothing I couldn't handle. They had given me a sheet with side effects and what to do if it gets worst. On the sheet it said : " if side effects persists, contact the general hospital". I was to feel the side effects a few days after the surgery and when I say I felt nothing? I told myself they were probably just exaggerating. 

When I went to see my optometrist, he gave me a new prescription and I was supposed to get new glasses. But, I told myself I was going to get them at the end of the year. I thought, I can still use my old glasses. I can still see in them. What harm could it do? well, until, September came...

One Wednesday afternoon in September. 4 months after my surgery, I was working and all of a sudden, I started noticing floaters around my eyes. At first I thought images were just moving too fast and I wasn't catching them on time until I started looking left and noticed the floaters in my left eye. The same ones as the ones I seen when I was getting lasered. I kind of started freaking out. I took out my old glasses and sat in front of my computer just staring into nothing. And then BOOM!!! a beam of light, a strong headache with aura and everything went PITCH BLACK. It happened so fast, I started panicking. I told myself I should go see my dad and let him know that I can't see anything but I freaked out because what if I fall down the stairs trying to get to him? In that moment, just like the first time I felt scared, I started singing a gospel song and just sat there sort of accepting my fate. I couldn't open my eyes because the brightness triggered the headache and it was intense. After10-15 minutes that felt like an eternity, I started seeing floaters again and then pink-ish/purple and then brightness and my eyesight came back but the headache persisted. It was so bad it made me vomit. I had a bright idea in the moment to wet a towel with cold water and put it on my forehead which helped a little. I then fell asleep and woke up around 7-8pm. 

When I woke up, it felt surreal what I went through. I was just grateful to see again even if nothing really changed. I thought of how I felt when I was going through the motions and the reason why I cried. The thought of how my life was going to completely change if I went blind scared me. I really wasn't sure IF I was going to ever see again. It sounds so dramatic now writing about it but in that  moment, it really wasn't. I ordered a new pair of glasses that night. I didn't want to wait until the end of the year anymore.

Why did I tell this story with such great details? This year is my year of execution. God is teaching me to stop delaying what needs to be done urgently. Putting things on the backburner only brings chaos in the end. The lesson I learned going through what I went through is this: A lot of life's big decisions will happen with just you. You can lean on others for support but often times, other people also have a life they need to take care of and it's up to you to get YOUR house in order. And no matter what, darkness is temporary. What you do during that time, determines how you see the world when the light comes back.

Jesus healed a man born blind by putting mud on his eyes and sending him to wash. The miracle showed God’s power and caused a lot of debate, but for the man it was simple, his life was changed forever. John 9:1–12

Dear God,

It was in the midst of being helpless that I understood my true power. I understood that " not now " is the arrogant assumption that You owe me another opportunity to do what You already gave me time to do. This year, you are teaching me to not procrastinate. To take matters into my own hands and do, even if I haven't figured out the end. This experience allowed me to meditate in the goodness of your mercy and your grace. For this, I want to thank you for my functioning body. I want to thank you for giving me all the necessary things in order for my body to function accordingly. I am sorry for taking them for granted sometimes.