KALEIDOSCOPE.
" everything doesn't have to hurt in order for you to deserve it " - Unknown
I started a new job not too long ago and on September 27th 2019, at exactly 3:05 pm, my heartbeat increased. I looked at my fitness watch and it went from a 70 bpm to 120 bpm and increasing. I didn't understand why but I just knew that my body was over taken by fear. Where did this come from? I have no idea. what triggered it? I don't know. I just knew that I suddenly became really cold and everything around me begin to fade. I was more in my head than I was in the present.
Every seconds that went by, my heartbeat increased. At that moment, I feared failing. I feared always being the last choice and never the first one. Being left for someone better ( there always is ). I feared not making my mother proud. I feared not being authentic. I feared for my health and mental state. I feared not being okay and never making it to where I need to go. I feared having a family of my own but not being able to hold it together. I feared settling and never being able to speak up for myself. But more importantly, I feared myself for having a panic attack. AT. THIS. NEW. JOB! *sigh*
This lasted approximately ten minutes; But in those ten minutes, I remembered this exercise I was taught to stay in control whenever that happens. Deep breaths and focus on one thing that I can see to re-balance myself. don't take your eyes off of it until your breathing decreases and your head becomes clear. As I snapped out of it, I realized that I was focusing on the bottle of lotion on my desk and on it was the word Kaleidoscope.
I remember repeating this word so many times!! I didn't know how to pronounce it LOL! But I went on google and learned how to say it correctly and the more I repeated this word, the more beautiful it was and the more intrigued I became trying to figure out what it meant. I think I've heard a song before or was it a poem I read with this word on it? I don't remember. I just knew that this word was familiar and important enough to know what it meant and intriguing enough to be remembered.
I found out that this word meant "observer of beautiful forms"
let me tell you something. This year, the image I had about my life completely changed. It was frustrating and it made me bitter because I didn't understand why and I had no clue what it was shaping up to be. My canvas had a different image then what I thought it would be and it made no sense. But thinking about it, it was just unfinished and it's still not finished but I have learned to let it teach me beauty behind surprises. All I have to do is sit still and observe as different shapes came together to create a different image.
I say this to say, become an observer of your canvas. Watch as a simple shape can turn your blank canvas into a masterpiece. Not everything you deserve in life has to be attached to painful memories. Be a Kaleidoscope of you. You won't regret it.
I started a new job not too long ago and on September 27th 2019, at exactly 3:05 pm, my heartbeat increased. I looked at my fitness watch and it went from a 70 bpm to 120 bpm and increasing. I didn't understand why but I just knew that my body was over taken by fear. Where did this come from? I have no idea. what triggered it? I don't know. I just knew that I suddenly became really cold and everything around me begin to fade. I was more in my head than I was in the present.
Every seconds that went by, my heartbeat increased. At that moment, I feared failing. I feared always being the last choice and never the first one. Being left for someone better ( there always is ). I feared not making my mother proud. I feared not being authentic. I feared for my health and mental state. I feared not being okay and never making it to where I need to go. I feared having a family of my own but not being able to hold it together. I feared settling and never being able to speak up for myself. But more importantly, I feared myself for having a panic attack. AT. THIS. NEW. JOB! *sigh*
This lasted approximately ten minutes; But in those ten minutes, I remembered this exercise I was taught to stay in control whenever that happens. Deep breaths and focus on one thing that I can see to re-balance myself. don't take your eyes off of it until your breathing decreases and your head becomes clear. As I snapped out of it, I realized that I was focusing on the bottle of lotion on my desk and on it was the word Kaleidoscope.
I remember repeating this word so many times!! I didn't know how to pronounce it LOL! But I went on google and learned how to say it correctly and the more I repeated this word, the more beautiful it was and the more intrigued I became trying to figure out what it meant. I think I've heard a song before or was it a poem I read with this word on it? I don't remember. I just knew that this word was familiar and important enough to know what it meant and intriguing enough to be remembered.
I found out that this word meant "observer of beautiful forms"
let me tell you something. This year, the image I had about my life completely changed. It was frustrating and it made me bitter because I didn't understand why and I had no clue what it was shaping up to be. My canvas had a different image then what I thought it would be and it made no sense. But thinking about it, it was just unfinished and it's still not finished but I have learned to let it teach me beauty behind surprises. All I have to do is sit still and observe as different shapes came together to create a different image.
I say this to say, become an observer of your canvas. Watch as a simple shape can turn your blank canvas into a masterpiece. Not everything you deserve in life has to be attached to painful memories. Be a Kaleidoscope of you. You won't regret it.
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