July's Retrospect
" I once read somewhere that if you wake up in the middle of the night with a prayer at the tip of your tongue, it's because God wants to speak with you. So you should never ignore that precious moment."
Last night I woke up feeling blue and full of words. They were so all over the place that I decided to take some time and just sit up and re-organize my thoughts. I was so sleepy though but I couldn't go back to bed no matter how hard I tried.
After a lot of hesitation, I came to the conclusion that I had to face myself. I realized just how overdue this prayer was so I started it like this:
"Dear God,
I know you're probably laughing right now, saying to yourself that you knew I'd be back at this exact spot - laying on my back - trying to find the words to tell you.
You probably also know exactly what I am about to say next. But for my sake, I will say it out loud to also hear myself when I say these things.
I need answers. I have a lot of questions but I have no answers for any of them I mean... I know the answer...I mean, I can guess but I need a concrete answer. Something written in stone. A reassuring answer.
Question #1: Where am I going in life ?
Question #2 : How will I get there?
Question #3: The people in my life, who are they and why are they dedicated to doing me wrong?
Question #4: Are the people in my life truly a reflection of who I am? Am I just not seeing it ?
Question #5: Will I ever be settled in life? Will I get married? What about children?
Please, pin point me exactly where I went wrong to be back HERE. The drinking. The constant need of human presence to not feel alone. When did my solitude become so unbearable that I can't face myself whenever I get the chance? My mother; Is she proud of me?"
This session of questioning lasted exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes and throughout this whole process, my eyes were full of tears and not because I couldn't answer my own questions but because it made me question where I stood in this universe. I felt so small.
I come to reassure someone that will read this that, you are where you are because God placed you there. What you're learning right now is results of your decisions. You either missed the lesson the first time OR it's your chance to choose a path for your future self to benefit from. Choose wisely. The constant need to find out about the future will only lead you to insanity. I pray that the pressure you feel in your chest every time you breath in because you're overwhelmed by your future goes away and that you always remember that you have a place in this world just like everybody else.
Last night I woke up feeling blue and full of words. They were so all over the place that I decided to take some time and just sit up and re-organize my thoughts. I was so sleepy though but I couldn't go back to bed no matter how hard I tried.
After a lot of hesitation, I came to the conclusion that I had to face myself. I realized just how overdue this prayer was so I started it like this:
"Dear God,
I know you're probably laughing right now, saying to yourself that you knew I'd be back at this exact spot - laying on my back - trying to find the words to tell you.
You probably also know exactly what I am about to say next. But for my sake, I will say it out loud to also hear myself when I say these things.
I need answers. I have a lot of questions but I have no answers for any of them I mean... I know the answer...I mean, I can guess but I need a concrete answer. Something written in stone. A reassuring answer.
Question #1: Where am I going in life ?
Question #2 : How will I get there?
Question #3: The people in my life, who are they and why are they dedicated to doing me wrong?
Question #4: Are the people in my life truly a reflection of who I am? Am I just not seeing it ?
Question #5: Will I ever be settled in life? Will I get married? What about children?
Please, pin point me exactly where I went wrong to be back HERE. The drinking. The constant need of human presence to not feel alone. When did my solitude become so unbearable that I can't face myself whenever I get the chance? My mother; Is she proud of me?"
This session of questioning lasted exactly 1 hour and 45 minutes and throughout this whole process, my eyes were full of tears and not because I couldn't answer my own questions but because it made me question where I stood in this universe. I felt so small.
I come to reassure someone that will read this that, you are where you are because God placed you there. What you're learning right now is results of your decisions. You either missed the lesson the first time OR it's your chance to choose a path for your future self to benefit from. Choose wisely. The constant need to find out about the future will only lead you to insanity. I pray that the pressure you feel in your chest every time you breath in because you're overwhelmed by your future goes away and that you always remember that you have a place in this world just like everybody else.
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